Friday 13 December 2019 by Arabin Patson

Turkeys vote overwhelmingly to ‘Get Christmas Done’


Turkeys vote to get Christmas done

In poultry farms across England, turkeys have given their backing to Boris Johnson’s Turkey Slaughtering Company, supporting their core promise of getting over the stumbling blocks to Christmas, and rejecting opposition claims that they were about to be messily devoured by fat drunks.

On a battery farm near Wolverhampton, a prize gobbler called Simon explained why he had switched his allegiance from the Stop Killing Animals organization to a company that has been instrumental in the huge drop of welfare conditions for poultry.

“We can’t go on like this. If we can only get Christmas behind us, then we can be a great farm again. I know Boris Johnson has dedicated his life to killing us but I’m tired of hearing about Crimbo. Boris promised us he would build us nice open air fields where we can roam forever. He’s even increased our grain supply to the extent I’m getting fatter.”

Many commentators blame the dismal performance of the Stop Killing Animals Group on the leader Jeremy Corbyn’s absurdly neutral stance over the issue of the mass killing of turkeys.

In an early morning speech, the CEO of the Turkey Slaughtering Company, Boris Johnson, briefly thanked the turkeys that put his faith in him.

“Thank you my plump and juicy friends. I take this support as a sign you will accept anything I do to you in the name of Christmas. There are some tough times ahead, for you at least, but with the help of roast potatoes and some fine port, I will deliver to you the fate you so eagerly asked for.

“One thing is certain. You’re mine now.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt

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