“Oh good” say nurses, teachers, minimum wage workers and the long-term sick

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Several sections of society are FUCKING DELIGHTED this morning.

Teachers, nurses, the long-term sick, people on minimum wage, members of ethnic minorities and Scotland woke up to find they’ll be under another five years of Tory rule after a landslide election victory.

“Whoop-de-fucking-doo” said nurse, Philippa Stone, who has been awake for 59 of the last 48 hours as her ward is massively understaffed.

“Five more years of watching this hospital fall to bits, except for one part of it which will be the “priority wing” for private patients, which will be lined with gold and serve free sandwiches.

“Cheers, electorate. Well done.”

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Teacher, Simon Williams, said, “Oh groovy, I don’t mind buying textbooks for my students anyway.

“I’m living off pot noodles and watching several of my students turn up without having had breakfast because their parents can’t afford it, but at least Brexit will get done now. Yippee.”

Derek May, who has been unable to work due to an illness, said, “I’m looking forward to being told I’m technically fit for work and having my benefits stopped on a repeated basis over the next five years.

“I would go and complain to my MP but it hurts to walk.

“So, cheers, everybody.”