Nation saved from honesty, decency, and fairness

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The nation has breathed a sigh of relief this morning after it became apparent that a Tory majority in the election had saved everyone from endless honesty, decency and fairness.

There had been a genuine concern that, if Boris Johnson had not secured a majority, the country could have faced years of increased equality, kindness and honesty from its leaders.

“Well I for one am super-relieved,” explained Eleanor Gay, a dung-taser from Chelmsford who last had an original thought in 2009.

“To think, we could have been the sort of country whose primary concern wasn’t just making a handful of hyper-rich bastards even richer.

“Thankfully, with Boris Johnson in charge, we can happily continue on stepping over the homeless and blaming anything that goes wrong in our lives on brown people.”

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Simon Williams is a corporate bastard.

“Dodged a bullet there,” he chuckled, as he breakfasted on eggs and swan in a champagne sauce.

“I was concerned that I might have to suffer a minuscule increase in the tax I pay, which could have led to me having to repaint my luxury yacht on a monthly basis instead of a weekly basis.

“All because some freeloading shit thinks they’ve got the right to free cancer treatment.

“Thank heaven the country came to its senses.

“Green, I think, this week.”

It is understood that Johnson’s first act in his new administration will be to have the words ‘honesty,’ ‘decency,’ and ‘fairness’ removed from the dictionary as they won’t be needed any more.