Vote Tory, urge newspapers owned by billionaire tax avoiders

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The Sun, Daily Mail, The Express and The Telegraph have urged their readers to vote Conservative in the upcoming general election in a selfless bid to protect their owners’ vast wealth.

Linking Jeremy Corbyn to Islamist extremism, The Sun tells everyone to ‘Make sure you vote for the Tories’, which confused its readers who had been planning to vote Conservative.

The Daily Mail uses its front page to implore the nation to ‘vote to save Britain’ and accuses Mr Corbyn of ‘Befriending Britain’s enemies, which in this case are terrorists, not, as they’d previously stated, the British judiciary.

The Express warns ‘Vote for Boris Johnson, or we face disaster’ as it links the Labour Party to an icy polar blast that will send temperatures plummeting to -1000 °C for a period of a million years.

Voter Simon Williams revealed he was delighted that the newspapers were packed with helpful advice.

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“I’m not interested in politics because it doesn’t really affect me,” he said.

“But if I can do my bit to ensure we get Brexit done, because apparently that’s the important thing, then I’m happy to do my bit.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)