Police confirm ‘suspicious object’ found outside polling station was Tory candidate telling the truth

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Police have confirmed that the public is safe after reports that a suspicious object was seen outside a polling station revealed it was nothing more than a Conservative candidate telling the truth.

A police spokesperson from the Wilkington-on-Thames constituency told us, “The package itself appeared to be a Conservative manifesto, but with all the lies removed, so it was essentially a booklet with the words Conservative Manifesto on the front, and the correct date – but everything else was redacted.

“Very close by we found local Tory candidate Simon Williams-Smythe, a very suspicious chap indeed who insisted on telling the truth whenever questioned. It started off with ‘there won’t be 50,000 new nurses, because 19,000 of them are already working in the NHS’, that was enough of a shock that we all took a step back.

“Then he went on to say there will actually only be six new hospitals, not forty, because they’ve only set aside funding for ‘feasibility studies’ for the other thirty-four, not so much a single brick has been budgeted for those.

“Finally he admitted his biggest fear; not that Corbyn would turn the country into Venezuela, but that he would win and turn the country into a delightful Scandinavian style socialist democracy, where everyone is much happier and everything runs smoothly, ensuring he and his party might not regain power for a generation.

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“It was clear at this point something needed to be done, and our plan was to have him taken away for a proper psychological evaluation, but Dominic Cummings arrived in an Ambulance and said such unreliable and suspicious packages needed to be destroyed to keep everyone safe.

“It was quite a big bang.”