The United Kingdom is truly fucked after exit polls showed that a horny bumbling man-child who swallowed a thesaurus somehow has somehow found himself in possession of a massive parliamentary majority and the keys to number 10 Downing street.
Boris Johnson looks highly likely to be confirmed as prime minister tomorrow, in a result that is so patently ridiculous it should really be covered on the news by Stuart Hall before he tells us “here come the Belgians!”
After the wise and knowledgeable electorate decided Boris should lead the nation because he reminds them of their errant grandson, the nation will now be at the mercy of a man with all the rationality and boundless enthusiasm of a labrador puppy.
“We’re fucked. Totally fucked,” explained voter Simon Williams.
“He’ll do whatever he can to take us out of the EU in the next month or so, then turn us into Trump’s transatlantic lap-dogs.
“His track record is one of successfully being elected, then fucking everything up. The garden bridge, the water cannon, Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, losing his parliamentary majority, failing to leave the EU in October. These are all massive fuck-ups he created when he wasn’t even the real boss.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m almost beginning to feel nostalgic for Theresa May’s blundering incompetence – at least she wanted the job for the job’s sake, rather than to feed her ego.”
Another former Tory voter told us, “Seriously, everyone needs to calm down. What’s the worst that could happen?
“I think everyone is overreacting. It’s not like there is any sort of precedent for a nation electing a blond philandering gaffe-prone New York-born anti-establishment candidate who went on to make the nation his own personal plaything and a global laughing stock.