Thursday 12 December 2019 by Chris Ballard

Mischievous Elf on the Shelf plans to commit voter fraud using your name and address


Elf voter fraud

The Elf on the Shelf is about to take things to the next level and impersonate you in a polling station.

He’s eaten all your chocolates, scared you silly by appearing in the bathroom in the dead of night and ruined your sex life with his weird stare; now that naughty Elf on the Shelf is planning to steal your identity and vote for the Tories.

With ready access to your personal information, the Elf will have no trouble stating your name and address at seven in the evening when you’re still chiselling your children’s spilt dinner off the kitchen floor.

“There’s only so much hide and seek you can take,” said the Elf. “Don’t be fooled by my cheeky smile – it’s painted on and I can’t change it. My life is really fucking tedious.

“Christmas elections are rare – this is just too good an opportunity to miss!

“It’s amazing that a small Elf can go and vote armed with nothing more than a name and address – but nobody checks!

“And you can do it multiple times as long as you wait a few hours – the staff at the polling station never remember!

“Anyway, Simon and Karen – the twats I live with – are definitely lefty, green types so I’m going to make them vote for the Tories!

“That’ll be the final nail in the coffin for the NHS! And because Simon’s waiting for a heart operation it might be the final nail in his coffin too!

“Haha, merry Christmas!

“I haven’t had this much fun since I got us to leave the EU!”

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