Thursday 12 December 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Jeremy Vine already tripping his tits off


Jeremy Vine tripping his tits off in a green room

Veteran election reporter Jeremy Vine has embarked on his usual pre-election broadcast ritual by taking a load of drugs and hallucinating maps of the UK, pie-charts and various other election-themed visages.

The least-funny of the Vine brothers usually waits until the polls close before cracking open his thermos flask full of hallucinogens, but has decided to get on it early this year.

“I can’t say I blame him,” said Lucy Millwall, Head of CGI for BBC News.

“This election has been utterly exhausting in terms of its daily ridiculousness so I’d be hoovering up a combination of LSD and speed too if I was him.

“Honestly, you try talking about Boris Johnson for more than ten minutes without resorting to drugs.

“It’s actually intriguing watching Jeremy dance around an empty green room, imagining he’s kicking a football marked ‘NHS’ between the different political leaders.

“We just computer-generate images around whatever he’s imagining. Technically we are ‘enabling’ him but fuck it; it’s really good telly.

“We’re always careful to cut away from him before he starts talking to Peter, the ‘Handsiest Giraffe of Them All’.”

Jeremy Vine has been taking LSD ever since John Major’s first election victory; the campaign proving so overwhelmingly dull that recreational drug use became BBC protocol for several weeks.

Vine is thought to be the only mainstream broadcaster to keep this up, apart from Gary Lineker, who owes his youthful energy to a vigorous cocaine regimen.

After ballot day, it is thought that Vine will commence the mother of all comedowns, which should wear off just before his next pre-election bender for the 2020 U.S. Presidential race.

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: