Compassionate Conservatives attack disastrous record of heartless Tory bastards

author avatar by 4 years ago
NewsThump Needs Your Help

In the final day of the General Election campaign, kind Tory politicians who see eye-to-eye with average Brits have promised they would do all they can to reverse the horrific effects of a decade of cruel ineffective policies by the vicious Etonian swine of the Conservative Party.

CCHQ spokesperson Simon Williams urged people to vote Conservative and sent the Tories a message they would never forget.

He told reporters, “We need to vote Conservative and say enough to Tory austerity policies that have victimised the most vulnerable in our society.

“If you return a decisive conservative majority to parliament, you will be making a clear statement that the country has had enough of the Tories and their failed experiment with extreme-liberalism.”

Mr Williams denied it was a bit rich for the Conservatives to run on a platform that attacked their own record and said it was actually what made the Tories the natural choice for voters angry with the way the country has been devastated by Thatcherite policies.

NewsThump Hoodies

“No party can better fix the NHS than the one that defunded it. Nobody understands more why we need more police officers than the very people who cut 20 000 posts. If you wanted to solve the problem of rough sleepers, who better to ask than the politicians who put them out on the streets?”

Mr Williams said that the public could trust the PM to joyfully attack the very ideas he has publicly espoused all his life.

“For him, this duality comes from the heart. If there’s one thing that all his friends and colleagues can tell you about Boris Johnson, it’s that he likes to slap himself when he has a wank.”

Whatever this is, I didn’t vote for it – get the T-shirt!