Boris Johnson has unveiled a bold plan to be mean to immigrants under a new Tory government.
The new plan will allow immigration, because it’s a fact of economic life that immigration is required but, with measures to be horrible to all immigrants, will seek to appease the racists, bigots and idiots who form the core support of the Tory Party.
“What is important is that I continue to cling to power,” said Johnson.
“In order to do so, it is important that I am as nasty to immigrants as possible.
“So, I hereby pledge that we will refer to all immigrants as ‘shits,’ stick pins in their feet, give them uncomfy shoes, arrange a once-weekly kick up the arse, and spoil the ending to His Dark Materials for them.”
Supporters approved of the new plan.
“Well, obviously I’d rather have no immigrants at all, causing the collapse of the tourism and care industries,” said unemployed fish-wrangler and complete fucking idiot Simon Williams.
“But if they have to come over here and steal the jobs that no one else wants to do, then the least we can do is stick pins in their feet and call them shits.”
Whilst Boris Johnson’s immigration stance was proving popular, there are concerns that Brexit Party leader and terrible bastard Nigel Farage is plotting alternative plans to call immigrants ‘tossers’ and kick them all in the shins.
Something which could end up dividing the vote of the awful, awful people who support the Tories.