In order to deflect attention from Boris Johnson’s total disregard for sick and dying members of the public the Conservatives are claiming that one of the Health Secretary’s aides was wedgied with extreme prejudice.
Boris Johnson holds the British public in so much contempt that he openly and casually poo-poos evidence that NHS hospitals have been brought to breaking point by a decade of austerity.
He is so confident of staying in Number Ten that he doesn’t even feel the need to pretend to give a shit about the electorate just days before the country goes to the polls.
However, some members of his campaign team realised that such behaviour might impact people’s voting decisions on Thursday and they quickly needed a distraction.
“Matt Hancock’s aide was given a wedgie by a Labour activist!” brainstormed Tory Campaign Manager Simon Williams.
“In fact, it was the infamous ‘Atomic Wedgie’ where the underpants are pulled right over the victim’s head.
“The aide was then Hurricane Kicked in the face before being rendered unconscious by a Spinning Piledriver.
“When he awoke he was lying in a dilapidated bathtub, ankle chained to a pipe, a hacksaw within easy reach.
“Fortunately our heroic Prime Minister managed to find and save the aide before they cut their own foot off.
“There, that should do,” said Simon, feeling very pleased with himself.
CCTV footage of the incident showed the Labour activist handing out leaflets, one of which accidentally brushed the aide’s face.
Mr Williams refused to apologise for the underhand tactics.
“Look,” he said, “the Conservatives have never won an election by telling the truth and I don’t see why we should start trying now.”