Russian premier Vladimir Putin has angrily denied the use of performance-enhancing drugs by his nation’s athletes, whilst showing off his mad ripped abs this afternoon.
Russia stands accused of interfering with and planting evidence during doping testing by the World Anti-Doping Agency in January 2019, and a roid-raging Putin quickly convened a press conference to deny the allegations.
Putin, sporting remarkable definition and a serious case of acne, stated categorically that his training advisor Lance Armstrong assured him all results were due to hard work and advanced exercise techniques which had to be carried out in or near pharmaceutical research centres ‘for best results’.
Reading over his colleague’s shoulder, he went on to deny there was any culture of cheating in Russia.
Putin additionally clarified that many Russian athletes simply suffered from an unusual and rare type of freckles on their forearms and there was nothing for anyone to get suspicious over.
“Russia clearly states there was no wrongdoing on the part of her incredibly successful athletics team in January 2019,” spokesman Simonov Williamsovitch told us.
“In our country, it is normal for our people to be able to jump forty or fifty feet in a single bound and lift their own body weight over their head as part of everyday work.
“We are simply physically better than the decadent capitalist pig-dogs from other nations,” he said, before adding that it was also entirely normal for male Russian athletes to unexpectedly and rapidly grow breasts.
Meanwhile, members of the Chinese delegation to the International Olympic Committee face additional questions after they were seen running for the bus at over thirty miles per hour.