Monday 9 December 2019 by Arabin Patson

Everybody’s weekend meals ruined after being told Donald Trump’s turds are all floaters


Trump toilet floaters

People around the globe have lost all appetite after being given the mental image of Donald Trump struggling to flush down blobs of greasy shit that only a McDonalds-heavy diet can produce.

In Croydon, communications worker Amanda Tinnock was one of many whose carefully planned Saturday dinner was ruined because she couldn’t help thinking about the US president dropping brown bombs that turned just refused to go away.

“He never stops, does he? I was going to experiment with roast goose as a trial run for Christmas and he decides to make me think of a fat imbecile layering toilet paper over floating shit in the hope that this time it will all flush down. So we just ate fruit for two days. Fibre is important.”

In rural Quebec, Simon Guillaumes was joylessly munching on dry crackers after being forced to think of Donald Trump emptying a whole bottle of toilet duck in an increasingly desperate attempt to sink a bobbing jobby.

He went on, “This is my favourite time of year. It’s time to roast chestnuts and make some maple syrup snow candy. But how can I eat anything brown now Trump decided to tell us his shits are always defiantly buoyant?”

As social media mockery increased over the President’s latest outburst, the White House has sought to clarify his statement and maintained that the President has never personally had to flush 10 times to sink his crap.

The press release was supported by common knowledge in New York circles that Donald Trump relies on disposable chopsticks, boiling water and smiling Mexican cleaners who say it’s part of the job but then use his toothbrush to scrub the more persistent stains off the toilet bowl.

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