“We are the only party that can deliver Brexit,” claimed Boris Johnson in a press conference today, “And to be honest, you’ve got to admire the sheer brass balls of me saying that, since we are in fact the only party that has failed to deliver Brexit.”
He continued, “We have been the only party in power the entire three and a half years since the referendum, and we’ve spent those three and a half years failing to do exactly this. But my contempt for you, the voting public, is great enough that I don’t expect you to consider that at all.”
Johnson’s use of the truth, a brand new political tactic he had never previously attempted, caused shock reactions in the journalists present.
Warming to his theme, an unperturbed Johnson went on to say: “Normally, if you fail to do a single thing for over three years, you’d think some other party could say ‘you’ve failed, give someone else a go’.
“But luckily, the two-party system continues to reward our mediocrity. It gives us the freedom to be complete failures, and still think you’ll believe me when I tell you we’re the only ones who can deliver. And thank God for that, otherwise we’d be fucking dead in the water.”
With a blithe confidence almost exactly like that of an unscrupulous con man who doesn’t really try to do anything well, because he knows he will always fail upwards, the Prime Minister concluded, “What’s that? You wish you could vote for someone competent? Someone who you could believe what they say? Go on, throw your vote away.”
The press conference then ended in scenes of chaos as an inebriated Jeremy Corbyn stormed the stage, proclaiming he was the only politician who had made clear his position on Brexit.