Friday 6 December 2019 by Chris Ballard

Boris unveils 100-day plan for cock-ups and scandals


Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson has revealed details of how he plans to fuck things up even further if the Tories win a majority next week.

In a move some might label arrogant Boris Johnson has listed all the ways he’ll abuse his power after winning the election, thereby consolidating the UK’s position as the laughing stock of Europe/the West/the world.

“It could be described as a timetable of idiocy,” said Political Analyst Simon Williams.

“Politicians normally stumble blindly into gaffes or have scandals unearthed by investigative journalists. To schedule his incompetence in this way shows how Johnson is really owning his total unsuitability for office.”

Mr Johnson’s plan includes the following:

– Give public funds to at least three ex-models with who he categorically didn’t have an affair but obviously did really.

– Grossly offend all Hindus by comparing them to inanimate objects like bins or lampposts or something – perhaps those vending machines where you turn the handle and a Gobstopper comes out.

– Have an extremely loud domestic argument in Downing Street which culminates in an antique Chippendale Guard Chair being hurled out of a ground floor window with Boris still sitting in it. The incident to be dismissed as ‘normal relationship chit-chat.’

These fully costed initiatives will be funded by ending free prescriptions, slashing education funding so primary school children only get one meal a week and raising the duty on chavvy drinks like lager and bottles of wine under a fiver.

Boris also promised to introduce several pieces of legislation in his new government’s first 100 days:

– Anything written on the side of a bus to become fact and anyone who says otherwise to be imprisoned for a minimum of 350 million years.

– A new points-based NHS to be introduced in which people receive treatment based on how white and male they are.

– Andrew Neil to shut the fuck up.

People appalled by any of these pledges can take comfort from the knowledge that the only thing Boris never fails to do is break his promises.

“I voted Tory for a kinder, fairer society for all” – said no-one, ever – get the T-shirt HERE

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