The UK’s prosperity in a post-Brexit world is now entirely reliant on Donald Trump not remembering that time Boris said he was “clearly out of his mind”.
After Donald Trump heard that Canadian PM Justin Trudeau was saying mean things about him, prompting the US president to tearfully flee the NATO conference, refuse to eat his McDonalds Happy Meal, and sulk for the whole plane ride home, there are concerns the UK could be next on his shit-list.
It is now clear that Mr Trump is even more thin-skinned than previously thought – according to new leaks from the intelligence community, the US President only decided to take out the leader of ISIS after hearing that al-Baghdadi had ‘liked’ an anti-Trump meme on Facebook.
If Trump remembers that only a few years ago Boris said he showed “quite stupefying ignorance” that made him “frankly unfit to hold the office of president”, or that Boris wouldn’t want “to expose Londoners to any unnecessary risk of meeting Donald Trump”, then an immediate trade embargo is probably the best possible outcome, though a midnight Navy SEAL raid on Downing Street is not entirely implausible.
A nervous Boris Johnson made a statement this morning to address the issue, saying, “People of Britain, shhhh!
“You know what I’m talking about – ‘I am genuinely worried that he could become president’ – that guy,” explained the PM, doing finger quotes in the air.
“For God’s sake don’t say anything that might upset him, I’m counting on keeping him sweet so he buys our National Health Service – I mean goods and services.”
“Please,” begged the PM, “I’m already bricking it every time I hear a helicopter at night.”