The Daily Mail has today called for the re-introduction of the death penalty after it emerged that not everyone tunes in to watch a pre-recorded broadcast from Her Majesty on Christmas Day.
After Jeremy Corbyn made the stunning revelation that he, a die-hard socialist, didn’t even know what time the Queen’s speech is broadcast on Christmas Day, let alone watch it, staff at the Daily Mail quickly began angrily typing away on their Fisher-Price keyboards.
“Outrageous!” screamed deputy editor, Simon Williams, turning a new level of gammony hue.
“This terrorist loving, equality promoting, commie bastard doesn’t even know what time Her Majesty is on the TV, which begs the question; how exactly does he spend his Christmas Day, eh?
“Probably meets up with the IRA or Hezbollah to smoke crack and smash commemorative plates depicting Her Majesty’s coronation, or something like that, I imagine.
“We will be starting a campaign to bring back the death penalty for treacherous wretches like Corbyn, who dare to not watch Her Majesty’s annual message of peace, hope and love, so that he and other offenders can be hanged.
“No, it doesn’t matter what they were actually doing instead, it’s much better we just speculate.”
He added, “What’s that? What about Prime Ministers who deliberately lie to Her Majesty? Oh, they can be let off, obviously – what’s a little white lie between friends?
“And don’t forget to vote for Boris next week, while we’re on the subject.”