Monday 2 December 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Anti-terrorist narwhal tusks to be installed in number of public places


Emergency narwal tusk

It has been announced that special anti-terrorist narwhal tusks are to be installed in a variety of public places across the country.

“I think that, as a society, we remain susceptible to terrorism,” explained Simon Williams, who is leading the narwhal tusk initiative.

“As such, we need a sensible course of action to protect the public and we don’t want to go down the route of Muslim oppression to do so because we’re not animals.

“So, we have concluded that that means more freely available narwhal tusks.”

The tusks will be hung on the walls of stations and other public places in case another cretin with a knife decides to stab people in an attempt to bring about medieval society.

Any member of the public will be able to detach the tusk and brandish it when required in attempt to subdue the cretin until police arrive.

There have also been calls for the nation’s Polish chefs to be employed to train people in the ancient Polish art of narwhal tusk combat in order to use the tusks responsibly.

A spokesperson for the scheme told us, “Yes, whilst anyone will be free to use the tusks in an emergency, we would encourage the public to seek out any local Polish chefs in order to make sure that they understand the basic techniques required when engaging in narwhal tusk combat.”

Whilst the installation of narwhal tusks in public places is unlikely to prevent future terrorist attacks, it is hoped that they will serve as a reminder that some members of the public are absolutely remarkable.

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