Friday 29 November 2019 by James Backhouse

Ice sculpture given more prominent role in Conservative campaign following gaff-free debate performance


Tory Ice Sculpture

After an ice sculpture stood in for Boris Johnson in last night’s Channel 4 Leader’s climate change debate, the Tories have announced that the sculpture will now appear at more campaign events, having proved much more popular than Mr Johnson among voters.

As one undecided voter, Simone Williams, told us, “I was really impressed by the way the ice sculpture listened quietly to the other leaders and didn’t respond to everything by reflexively blurting out a stream of incoherent crap ending with ‘get Brexit done’. That was refreshing.

“I also liked the way that the sculpture made it through the whole programme without telling multiple bare-faced lies. I don’t think there’s been anything like it from the Tories throughout this whole campaign.

“I have to say that this clammy, thoughtless lump was much better than the one we were expecting.”

A fellow floating voter agreed, telling us the ice sculpture was “cool, smooth, and I think I even saw tears on his face. What can I say – as the ice melted, so did my heart.”

A source close to the Tory campaign also approved, explaining “This lump of ice has more natural warmth than most of our candidates, plus more charm and intellect than, say, Jacob Rees-Mogg, and is much less likely to say something horrendous in a radio interview.”

By the end of the evening, however, there was further embarrassment for the Tories after all, as the ice sculpture was seen at a cocktail party where according to witnesses it had “gone all to pieces” – small cubes in fact – and was “up to its neck in booze”.

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