After chickening out of a Channel 4 leader’s debate on the environment, and hiding away from Andrew Neil like a frightened child, Boris Johnson is hoping to pick up a pair of big swinging testicles in the Black Friday sale.
As rumours begin to emerge that his balls might, in fact, be of the tiny kind, there is speculation that the children he supposedly might have, were in fact, fathered by a stand-in like Michael Gove, or his own father.
However, those within Conservative Campaign HQ are hopeful that Boris might be able to pick up a bargain set of plump plums and turn around the increasing perception that he is lacking in the testicle department.
“It seems like the public is finally starting to see Boris for the coward that he is, even though we’ve done a frankly brilliant job hiding that so far.
“But when you’re dealing with someone who has all the testicular girth of an eagle-eye Action Man, it is only a matter of time before people find out.
“We leaked all that stuff about his philandering in the hope it would put people off the scent, and it did, for a while. But this Andrew Neil and Channel 4 stuff is now showing the voters just how lacking in balls he really is.”
“Seeking out some new balls was the last project we gave to Chris Grayling, and came back with a couple of Christmas baubles that played ‘winter wonderland’ when they moved. We fired him. Again.”
Tory voters have insisted they are perfectly happy with a prime minister entirely lacking in functioning balls who is scared of his own shadow, insisting “at least he’s not Jeremy Corbyn”.