Thursday 28 November 2019 by Arabin Patson

Tories try to fool Andrew Neil by putting a suit on an overweight golden retriever


Golden Retriever

The Conservative party, fearing that Boris Johnson will come across as a dishonest chancer if grilled by Andrew Neil, have put an ill-fitting suit on a flatulent leg-shagging golden retriever called Simon and released it in the BBC headquarters in the hope someone will interview it and not notice the disguise.

Party strategists are hoping that Andrew Neil will seize what chance he can get to talk to Boris Johnson and that having Simon spend the morning running around BBC studios knocking over things, shitting in the pot plants and sniffing women’s crotches will help establish the subterfuge.

Amanda Williams, from the Conservative Press Office, denied that this was yet more dirty tricks from a party whose leader suffers from serious trust issues.

She went on, “Not at all. We have tested Simon with focus groups and he has the exact same appeal profile as the PM.

“People love his idiotic grin and will forgive him any amount of stains on the furniture. Simon, just like Boris, scores very highly on how likeable he is even after he’s utterly destroyed your Grandmother’s wedding dress and the pissed on the deed to your house.

“Frankly, we think this is efficient. Simon can be grilled by Andrew Neil while Boris can tour hospitals and be shouted at by northerners.

“It’s not like Boris was going to give any honest answers or even intelligible ones. Simon is perfectly capable of grinning inanely and getting distracted while a Scotsman who looks like he was in Slade asks him why he such a lying wanker.”

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