Wednesday 27 November 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Conservative Campaign HQ has pant-fire extinguishers installed


Tories install fire protection for pants fires

Following a series of scorching and searing incidents on the current election campaign, there have been a number of pant-fire extinguishers installed at Conservative Campaign HQ.

The special extinguishers are positioned at waist-height on the wall and contain enough water to give a pair of pants a thorough dousing in the event that they catch fire for some reason.

There was widespread relief at the news.

“I’m going to feel an awful lot safer with these on the walls,” explained Tory aide Simon Williams.

“Only yesterday, I was explaining why a tax-cut for the wealthy would be a real boon for the country when I noticed smoke pouring out of my trousers.

“It was only the quick-thinking actions of my colleague, who threw some of the virgin’s blood she was drinking at my groin, that prevented a really nasty burn.”

However, Minister of International Trade Liz Truss was not so lucky.

Asked if she was getting to grips with International Trade, she said yes, and her pants promptly exploded.

She was then asked if she understood the concepts of ‘trade’ and ‘international,’ said yes, and the ash of her pants promptly exploded.

There was a further series of small explosions as Ms Truss assured everyone that she was fine and there was nothing to worry about.

The following day, the pant-fire extinguishers were installed.

Number 10 will not have similar extinguishers installed, but will instead be flooded to waist-height in an attempt to combat the near constant instances of pants catching fire.

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