Saturday 23 November 2019 by Neil Tollfree

LinkedIn looking to attract corporate bastards as well as corporate shitheads


LinkedIn

LinkedIn is looking to broaden its demographic with a determined drive to attract corporate bastards to complement its already huge user base of corporate shitheads.

“LinkedIn is perfect for corporate bastards,” said LinkedIn spokesman Jeremy Fuckhead.

“You know, we’ve already got a huge number of corporate shitheads on the site, so corporate bastards are going to feel right at home here.”

The social media behemoth will launch its drive to attract corporate bastards with adverts in the toilets of terrible city sports bars, cheap brothels and Starbucks.

“Innovative poster campaign. Lots of pictures of people laughing in offices with exposed brickwork and a Nespresso machine. Psychological. It’s saying ‘if you’re on LinkedIn, maybe you could work in an office with exposed brickwork and a Nespresso machine’.

“Corporate bastards love exposed brickwork and Nespresso machines.”

However, it is expected that simple word-of-mouth will be the biggest driver of attracting corporate bastards to their site.

“Oh sure,” continued Mr Fuckhead.

“You can just imagine a corporate shithead meeting a corporate bastard to discuss spreadsheets and figures and casual sexism and the like and going ‘hey, bro, you should be on LinkedIn, because that shit’s the shit, you know?’ and the corporate bastard going ‘yeah, that shit’s for me.’

“We’re confident we could end up with maybe 80% of corporate bastards in the next three months alone.”

Should the expansion strategy prove successful, it is likely that the site could begin further drives to attract both corporate twats and corporate wankers by the end of next year.

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