Friday 22 November 2019 by Chris Ballard

Which party you should vote for depends on how far back in time you’d like to take Britain


Who should I vote for?

With all the parties seemingly standing on a platform of taking the UK back to some point in the twentieth century, voting intention depends primarily on how far you’d like to time travel.

Do you think greed is good? Are you nostalgic for the winter of discontent? Perhaps you hanker after the good old racism of the fifties? Here’s the NewsThump guide on who to vote for, and where in British history they’ll take you.

Conservatives: 1980s
Calling all rich folk! Thatcher’s rampant neoliberalism nearly destroyed poor people completely but then she let the power go to her head and openly flaunted her madness. Let Johnson finish the job with a craftier insidiousness couched in the rhetoric of ‘austerity’ and ‘getting Brexit done.’ He plays the bumbling fool but he’s actually a bumbling cunt!

Labour: 1970s
Many people think that James Callaghan made a strategic error by waiting until after the Winter of Discontent to call a general election. However, if you miss the days of widespread public sector strikes when basically everything was in the public sector then you need to support Corbyn and co. If you opened the curtains this morning only to sigh in disappointment at the lack of rubbish piling up in the streets then vote for a three day week – unparalleled leisure, unparalleled disease!

Lib Dems: 1960s
Drugs for all! The environment for all! Free love (probably) for consenting adults! Back Swinson and get your hippy-hippy shake on! Nothing will get done, but we’ll be happy!

Brexit Party: 1950s
If you long to utter phrases like ‘straight off the boat’ without getting fired then Nigel Farage is the man for you. Go back to a simpler time when ‘tolerance’ and ‘compassion’ were for ‘queers’ and ‘poofs.’

I’m voting for the side with the fewest arseholes – get the T-shirt!

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