Fiona Hill, a woman from County Durham, has completely cowed US politicians holding impeachment hearings after she told Republican congressmen not to be daft and to stop mucking about with conspiracies theories or she was “ganna twank yer heeds.”
After Ms Hill’s opening statement, the normally belligerent minority representatives felt a strong compulsion to sit up straight, smile respectfully and ensure she was well provisioned with snacks and refreshments.
Simon Cletus Williams Jr, the Republican representative for Kentucky, later admitted that Fiona Hill had forced him to change his usual approach to witnesses critical of Trump.
“I was ready to show President Trump I was a loyal soldier and had all my talking points at the ready. I would ask her if she’s a never-Trumper, if she was part of the Deep State and if she was friends with Biden or Killary.
“But then she spoke in that terrifying language of hers. It froze my heart instantly. I have no idea what she meant but I knew I was in serious danger when she did.
“What’s this Durham thing of yours? Is it some sort of all-female warrior clan? Oh God, are there more like her out there?”
Congressman Williams Jr explained that a team of linguists from Harvard had been flown in to decipher the fearsome woman’s mystical incantations.
“So far we’ve established that being called pet is good. As for ‘minging whazzock’, there’s a debate between those who think it’s some sort of lard-based dessert and those who believe it’s the beginning of a courtship ritual.
“I asked what she thought of the proceedings and she said she was ‘well chuffed’. Does that mean she owns my soul now?”