Monday 18 November 2019 by Neil Tollfree

I was at Pizza Express in Woking when Alderaan was destroyed, claims Grand Moff Tarkin


grand moff tarkin was at Pizza Express

In a sensational TV interview, Grand Moff Tarkin, a leading light in the former Galactic Empire, has claimed that he could not be responsible for the destruction of Alderaan because he was at a children’s party at the Pizza Express in Woking.

He also claimed that he regretted staying overnight on the Death Star as a guest of Darth Vader, but at the time he didn’t know there was anything untoward about the planet-destroying mega-weapon and, if he had, he’d have gone to a Travelodge instead.

“I remember the night of the destruction of Alderaan particularly well,” recalled Tarkin, in the sort of high profile interview with Emily Maitlis that all suspected criminals are now afforded.

“I could definitely not have been responsible, because I was in a Pizza Express in Woking at a children’s party.

“I remember it clearly because I live a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, so it’s quite unusual for me to visit the Pizza Express in Woking. It stands out.”

Asked if he felt any compassion or empathy for the Alderaan victims, he was unequivocal.

“I am completely innocent,” he confirmed.

He has subsequently received support from a variety of figures, including Thanos, Sauron, the Night King, Ernst Blofield, Hans Gruber, and Wile E. Coyote who, coincidentally, had also found themselves at the Pizza Express in Woking at the same time as a variety of crimes in which they were implicated were taking place.

So, that’s that all cleared up, then.

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