The fallout continues from Nigel Farage’s decision not to stand Brexit Party candidates in Conservative seats, with the new revelation that the axed candidates who had declined Tory offers of peerages and cushy jobs are now feeling rather miffed.
“I’m gutted,” said former candidate Simon Williams. “There I was, Brexit Party candidate for the safe Tory seat of Watching-on-the-Buses, having a few drinks and wondering if we’d get our £500 deposit back.
“Then along comes this mysterious fellow – scruffy blond hair, strangely blurry face. He said as I was already drunk as a Lord, would I like to become one?
“He offered me the chance to pass out on the red benches instead of a toilet stall in the Red Lion.
“I told him I could never abandon the Brexit Party. Apparently the feeling was not mutual.”
Fellow dumped candidate Terry Matthews shared similar sentiments. “If only I’d stood aside I could have had a no-work government job invented specially for me, my own office and a salary more than adequate to fund my hobby of collecting old, racist, postcards.
“I passed it up for the admittedly slim chance of being a Brexit Party MP, but Nigel chickening out has put the kibosh on that.
“I’m back to my teaching job, and the year 1s have had enough of my lectures on the tyranny of the European super-state.”
When asked for comment, Nigel Farage replied “I would never abandon my party’s paying customers. I can sort out nice jobs for them too – pass me the Classifieds from that paper.”