Thursday 14 November 2019

New John Lewis Christmas advert sees ‘Flamethrower’ added to a million Christmas lists


John Lewis Advert

The new festive John Lewis ad has shown children across the country the fun that can be had by setting fire to things this Christmas.

As the department store introduced a new character ‘Excitable Edgar’, millions of children have admitted that setting fire to things seems much more fun than playing with a wendy house.

“Wow, did you see that? He melted a whole snowman in like a SECOND!” explained enthralled seven-year-old, Jake Williams.

“Just imagine what you could do if you could blow flames like that.  Apparently there is a thing called a ‘flamethrower’, which I found because mummy forgot to lock her phone and add parental controls, and now that is the thing I want more than anything else in the world.

“Forget a new PlayStation – I want to melt things with fire. All of the things. ALL OF THE THINGS!”

Jake’s mother Sharon told, “Jesus fucking Christ John Lewis.  Couldn’t you have created a cat that blows bubbles, or a dog that blows raspberries?  Seriously – a fire breathing dragon?  Does anyone on that creative team even have children?

“If it can be destroyed, they want to destroy it.  Smashing it, crushing it, drawing all over it, throwing it – they’ll try everything.  The only thing they’ve not considered at this point is setting fire to it.  Until now.”

A John Lewis spokesperson told us, “We hear your concerns, but I would just like to point out that these adverts cost a fortune and excitable Edgar is only fifteen pounds so you should all go and buy one.

“Please.”

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