by 
Harrumphing xenophobes who view every tragic event as part of a European conspiracy to keep Britain down have been struggling to come up with a convoluted argument to blame Brussels for excess rain.
Simon Williams, a former Brexit Party candidate who also campaigns against wind farms, was feeling haggard after a long night wracking his brains for some possible sequence of events that would connect the EU with floods in Yorkshire.
He explained, “At first I thought it would be an easy one. Something bad happens and we quickly find some EU legislation on the topic and claim they stopped us from digging drainage channels.
“As it happens, the EU has very little to say about flood defences. Seems like they assume that if your country has areas prone to heavy rainfall and you’re not a complete fucking idiot then you will take some sort of preventative measures, especially if you’re building on floodplains.
“Next I thought about trying to claim that our financial contribution to Europe is what stops us investing in flood defences. But it turns out these are pretty cheap and simple, especially if you do them before it rains. The Dutch managed to build a country under sea level 4 centuries ago using nothing more than spades and wheelbarrows.
“It’s getting so bad that we’re thinking of bringing in some folk from the DUP. As I understand it they manage to blame these things on the gays doing gay stuff so maybe they can give us with a few pointers.”
Although initially slow to respond to the flooding, the government has enacted emergency measures like allowing seven poor people to shout at Boris Johnson and getting Sajid Javid to promise he would spend a gazillion pounds on sandbags.
