Thursday 14 November 2019

Boris Johnson’s nose now so long he is unable to use revolving doors


Boris Johnson's nose growing

Boris Johnson is no longer able to use revolving doors, it has been revealed, as his nose has grown so long that he cannot fit safely in one of the compartments.

The tragic affliction means that staff have to call ahead to any building Mr Johnson plans to visit to make sure that non-revolving door is available.

There is currently no medical explanation for Mr Johnson extreme nose-growth.

It began in small spurts when he was a journalist, every now and then Mr Johnson’s nose would grow by a few millimetres and once or twice by a whole inch. The first time it really became noticeable, though, was during the EU referendum campaign.

“I would say it was about a foot longer by the time of the referendum than what it was at the start of the campaign,” said an aide.

“There were some times, speeches when he explained how much better Britain would be out of the EU or unveiling a new bus slogan, when you could actually see his nose growing longer if you looked closely.”

However, it has been during his tenure as Prime Minister that has seen the largest growth in Johnson’s nose which is currently thought to be over a metre long.

“It’s weird,” continued the aide.

“It seems to be connected to Brexit in some way. Only the other day, he told someone that we can get Brexit done and move on and his nose grew about three inches in an instant, he nearly fell over.”

Doctors remain baffled as to what is causing the nose-growth.

“We originally thought it might to do with lying or something,” explained Dr Simon Williams, who specialises in unusual nose growth.

“But he told us he didn’t lie, so it can’t be that.

“It was odd though, his nose grew three inches when he said that, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“I voted Tory for a kinder, fairer society for all”, said no-one ever – get the t-shirt!

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