Labour cyber-attack finds mostly jam recipes

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Russian hackers have been left ‘bewildered’ after their cyber attack on the UK Labour party revealed nothing more than several hundred different ways to turn different fruits into preserves.

The attack began yesterday afternoon, and speculation remains that the Russians were attempting to uncover valuable kompromat relating to Jeremy Corbyn and his party, based on the remote possibility they find themselves in a position of power by Christmas.

However, it is understood those behind the attack have been left empty-handed.

“It is most strange,” said hacker Szymon Williamski.

“We look to access Corbyn’s personal Labour party email and expect to find strange pornography, like with Trump, or many women who ask for child support, like with Johnson. But all we find is jam recipes. Who is this man? Why he think about garden when other men think about woman?”

The hackers are also said to have found articles called ‘How to Grow the Perfect Marrow’ and ‘Eliminating Dissenters: Stalin Style.’

Williamski went on, “No state secrets. No drugs. Not even recommendation that Diane Abbott takes remedial mathematics lessons.”

The hackers claim they are a little disappointed but still determined, and hoping to hack into the Liberal Democrats private servers next.

“Yes, yes, we know,” said Williamski, biting into a piece of toast slathered with freshly-prepared apricot jam, “they say Lib Dems are never win.

“But they said British people would never be stupid enough to vote for economic suicide by leaving the EU. Still, is happen.”

I’m voting for the side with the fewest arseholes – get the T-shirt here!