Friday 8 November 2019 by Arabin Patson

Monster Raving Loony Party’s spending pledges are the only ones that are not complete bullshit, says Institute for Fiscal Studies


Monster raving loony party spending plans

As Labour and the Conservatives entered a spending commitments bidding war, the IFS has reviewed the budget promises of each party and concluded that the only reasonable plan was the one created by attention-seeking fat men with ridiculous facial hair.

Head Statistician for the institute, Simone Williams, explained that her team of experts had crunched the numbers and it turned out that the gaudy time-wasters that plague UK elections were the only ones whose financial claims were honest.

She went on, “Although they come from the unfunny inside jokes of drugged-up students in the late seventies, the promises of the Monster Raving Loony Party are actually on quite solid financial ground.

“Space-hoppers for the police might be cretinous wank, but it’s cheap and perfectly feasible. The other parties are just talking out of their arses.

“The Tories, for example, promise massive investment for public services but we all know they are lying. Two weeks in power and they will backtrack because of the Brexit downturn that they caused then just keep fucking over the poor while claiming special circumstances.

“Not that Labour is any better. McDonnell’s huge borrowing plans are based on today’s money markets but you get a very different credit rating when your prime minister is a uni drop-out who thinks Cuba has much to teach us.

“As for the Lib Dems and Greens; it’s possible their plans hold water but, let’s be honest, looking into them would be a waste of everyone’s time.”

Ms Williams explained that the IFS could not comment on the Brexit Party’s plans.

“Technically speaking, the Brexit Party is not actually a political outfit. It’s essentially a private company set up to siphon money out of gullible old racists.

“Try the Fraud Squad. They might know.”

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