Thursday 7 November 2019

I’d rather help sweaty overweight people stretch their groins than be Jeremy Corbyn’s deputy, insists Tom Watson


Tom Watson resigns as MP

Deputy Labour leader Tom Watson is stepping down as an MP, insisting he would rather learn how to stretch the intimate muscles of sweaty overweight office workers than spend another term standing behind Jeremy Corbyn nodding supportively.

The former MP for West Bromwich East said he would not be standing at the forthcoming general election and would be looking to retrain as a gym instructor, confident this will be more fulfilling than pretending to like everything Jeremy Corbyn says.

He told reporters, “I have enjoyed immensely my time as the Labour party’s deputy leader, but I think I need a new challenge, and one where I spend my days encouraging middle-managers from the local office block to give me one more press-up sounds like just the ticket.

“At least I know that in the gym my voice will be heard, and there’s a chance it will make a difference – unlike being the deputy leader of the labour party where literally no-one gives the tiniest toss what I say.

“Imagine… a job where you opinion matters and you can affect real change. I will be living the dream.”

Voters have expressed their disappointment at Watson’s decision not to stand again.

Simon Williams told us, “I remember seeing him perform so brilliantly on the Culture, Media and Sport select committee, and seeing him aggressively questioning the Murdochs I finally thought – ‘wow, a decent politician’.  It’s such shame he’d rather shout instructions to a fat bank manager who is refusing to hold proper form during his squats.

“Still, being told to ‘fuck off’ by a knackered gym member who hates you and can’t do any more is probably better than being told ‘fuck off’ by several thousand labour members who hate you even more.”

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