New spending pledges are a metaphor and not meant to be taken literally, explains Conservative party

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Amid accusations of blatant electioneering and increasing demands for a fully costed manifesto, the Conservative Party has explained that recent pledges to build hospitals or start public works were vague statements of ambition and should not be seen as a promise to spend any real money.

Simon Williams, political advisor to Sajid Javid, told the press that accusations by Labour that the government was making completely unsustainable promises to spend money on social care, policing, house-building and the NHS, were nothing more than a storm in a teacup.

He went on, “Labour should spare us their blushes. Everybody understands that when we say we will build 40 hospitals we mean that is what we would like to happen if we discover large diamond deposits beneath Uttoxeter.

“Of course we’re not stupid enough to indulge in emergency borrowing with no long term planning as the UK edges towards a recession and our ridiculous Brexit decision has shot our credit rating on the money markets.”

Asked if the Conservatives were misleading the public, Mr Williams said that the voters were not fools and understood perfectly well what a Boris Johnson promise was.

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“Of course the public know what’s happening.

“The PM just spent weeks saying he would rather die in a ditch if we didn’t leave on the 31st and yet here is, touring the country and pretending to give a toss about farmers or whatever.

“They know very well that everything we said for the past three years is, at best, optimistic ignorance but more likely a blatant lie.

“Come on. No-one is that stupid.”

Whatever this is, I didn’t vote for it – get the t-shirt here!