Government review into £100k grant given to Jennifer Arcuri finds it was fair pay for shagging Boris Johnson

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To the surprise of absolutely no one, a panel of civil servants whose job is to obey their political masters have decided to exonerate of all wrongdoing an extremely ruthless and powerful man who could easily sink their career.

Simon Williams, head of the Governmental Internal Audit Agency, explained that his team all agreed there was nothing suspicious about a company registered in the US getting UK government grants while their owner was boffing a completely honest chap who just happens to be their boss.

“We are satisfied that the Department of Culture Media and Sport did all the due diligence that you could expect.

“Even though it took one phone call from journalists to discover Hacker House was about as British as a grizzly bear wearing a Stetson. We can also conclusively dismiss suggestions that the money was thrown away to help a political A-lister impress the latest floozy he was using to cheat on his cancer-ridden wife.”

Mr Williams explained that his agency was adamant the funds dispersed to Ms Arcuri had delivered a clear benefit to the people of London.

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He went on, “If recent events have proven anything it’s that Boris Johnson can be incredibly disruptive if not given something to do. Who knows how many more ridiculous projects like the Garden Bridge would have come to pass had she not bravely allowed Boris to do the horizontal truffle-shuffle with her?

“As for the sums involved, just how much would you need to get paid to stare into Boris Johnson’s O-face? As far as we’re concerned, she earned every last penny of that £100k.”