Thursday 31 October 2019 by Charles Oliver

Millennial self-identifying as a vampire for Halloween


Vampire

Local millennial Simon Williams has told friends that he will be identifying as a vampire this Halloween and hopes that everyone will respect his choice.

Simon says that despite his being an all-too mortal bag of viscera and bone, he has always felt a part of the vampire community and feels that his continued existence in an un-undead body is a mistake – at least until tomorrow.

Real vampires have criticised his claim, saying that some of his abilities – such as being able to go out in daylight and subsist on nutrients other than fresh human blood – grant him an unfair advantage over many members of Vrolok society.

“It’s very flattering that Simon feels like he’s von of us, but there’s more to being a vampire than saying you are von”, said local Nosferatu Alucard van Hoyt.

“Just putting some fangs in your mouth and saying ‘I vant to suck your blood’ is offensive cultural appropriation. My culture is not a cheap costume off ebay and some ketchup.

“He hasn’t suffered centuries of persecution by vitch-hunters and holy men, and vhat’s more he can still eat garlic which is doubly annoying.

“He can choose to avoid all the negatives of the vampiric existence. If he really vants to show his support for the unliving members of society, he could do it much more effectively by giving his neck a good scrub and hanging out in his nearest graveyard.”

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