Thursday 31 October 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Brexit riots cancelled as it’s a bit nippy outside

not going to riot today as it's a bit cold

Brexiters would be taking to the streets with pitchforks today if it wasn’t quite so chilly.

Right-wing commentators, members of the ERG and some who voted for Brexit had warned that there would be riots in the street if Britain didn’t leave the EU by the promised date of October 31st.

“And mark my words, those riots would have been ferocious in their scale and intensity,” said Brexiter, Simon Williams.

“Dustbins set on fire, park benches lobbed through the windows of Burger King, mass hysteria, the streets of London throbbing with disillusioned, angry and violent Brexiters from all walks of like.

“But it’s four degrees outside and I can’t find my mittens. So I’m going to stay in and watch old episodes of Top gear instead. That’ll learn them.”

Police chief, Jay Cooper, said, “Much like the British government, we had made zero preparations for the Brexit date of October 31st.

“Partly because nobody outside of Russia riots in the winter, but mostly because if there’s one thing we’ve all learned about Brexit it’s that if we are told what’s going to happen, we should plan for the exact opposite.

“You’re lucky I’m available for comment, to be honest. Most of the team booked today as annual leave.”

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