Wednesday 30 October 2019 by Lucas Wilde

“On the thirteenth of December, my true love sent to me, a parliament with no majority”


Carol singers update 13 days of christmas

The twelve days of Christmas has been rejigged for a Christmas general election.

To the horror of absolutely everyone who isn’t Ebenezer Scrooge, a general election has now been formally called for December 12th – right around the time everyone has mentally checked out of work.

The British electorate is coping with their dismay with what is known as “the Simon Cowell approach” by ruining a well-loved song.

“Four Bercows shouting, three Rees-Moggs sleeping, Two Lib-Dems lying and a parliament with no majority…” sang Simon Williams.

“I love the next verse. Five Johnsons shagging. Even though it makes me do a little sick in my mouth.

“If there’s one thing we British excel at, it’s taking a dismal concept such as a Christmas election and making merry about it.

“If those bastards in parliament are going to take a massive dump on our mince pies, then we’re firing back with a satirical sing-song.

“Maybe we can get it to the Christmas number one. It’s technically shite but then so is whatever the X-Factor pumps out this year that I haven’t heard yet.”

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