Wednesday 30 October 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Election to be fought on single issue of being f**king horrible to each other


politicians arguining

An election has been set for December 12th and it already seems clear that it will be fought on the single issue of who can be the most f**king horrible to everyone else.

The Tories are firm favourites and are first out of the blocks with a manifesto entitled ‘Vote Tory because all the others are total bastards’.

“We have a comprehensive spending plan for public services that we’ll quietly forget about after the election,” explained Michael Gove, the man who, somewhat terrifyingly, appears to be the brains of the Tory operation.

“But the important thing is that all the other parties are huge shits. Look at Jeremy Corbyn, he’s a set of overalls away from being a minor 1970s communist, and that Jo Swinson is a goblin.

“F**k the lot of them.”

However, Labour hit back immediately with the strident campaign slogan – ‘what a bunch of c**ts’.

“I think that the public deserves the truth, and the truth is that everyone who isn’t in the Labour Party is a colossal wanker,” said Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell.

“And frankly, we’re not even that keen on some of them in the Labour Party.

“Look at Boris Johnson, a self-serving under-inflated beach ball with a haystack on his head. He’d kick his dad in the balls to be Prime Minister and almost certainly sells Downing Street ornaments on eBay.

“That Swinson can f**k off as well.”

Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage frothed something unintelligible and Liberal Democrat leader Jo Swinson intends to spend the election just screaming in opposing candidates’ faces.

It is expected that the next six weeks will be the longest six weeks ever.

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