Wednesday 30 October 2019 by Chris Ballard

Concern that Christmas party season election will see drunk voters electing bunch of idiots


xmas party at the polling station

With a general election now set for 12th December there are worries that pissed up Christmas revellers will vote for Conservatives or other clowns ‘or a laugh’.

The first December general election since 1923 will very probably be taking place in just over six weeks.

Political Analyst Simon Williams has used sophisticated technology to run a simulation showing how voters are likely to vote after stumbling out of a lengthy office Christmas lunch with a stomach full of mulled wine and prosecco.

“The first thing to say is that voter turnout will be spectacularly low,” said Simon. “I mean, people will try to vote but they’ll be staggering into primary school toilets and drawing Xs on the walls while urinating on the floor.

“My advanced algorithms also show that exchanges between male voters are likely to be along the following lines:

“‘Hey lads, I’m gonna vote Tory!’

“‘Haha, Wayne you mentalist! Do it! Do it! Do it!’

“My research also suggests that the privacy of the voting booth is far more likely to produce unwanted pregnancies than break the Brexit deadlock.

“With such a lack of voter engagement, there’s a real risk that the next government will consist of a load of incompetent twats who only know how to look after their own interests.”

Voter Dave Dawson told us, “It is a concern. Yes. I’ll be honest, if I have enough to drink, even that gurning twat who works in accounts starts to become amusing, so I’m genuinely worried that a few too many mulled wines could see me thinking Boris Johnson with a majority might also be funny.

“I just don’t trust myself.”

A statement from the electoral commission said, “We’re introducing special measures to ensure a December election runs as smoothly as possible.

“Pop up combined urinals/voting booths will be put in place in all town and city centres to ensure people get the opportunity to have their say.

“Chunks of regurgitated turkey on the ballot paper will be acceptable if voters don’t have the coordination to draw an X.

“Most importantly, the people counting votes will have to move onto shorts by 1700 on Election Day.

“So, you know, it’ll be fine.”

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