Monday 28 October 2019 by Arabin Patson

General Election for Christmas would just be the icing on the f*cking cake, says weary nation


election for Christmas would icing on the cake

Britons have unanimously clenched their fists and declared that a month of being harassed on the doorstep by lying sacks of shit desperate for votes, alongside wall-to-wall Christmas dross, would be the perfect sodding way to end 2019.

Simone Williams, a web designer from Basildon, was one of many to give her opinion about a possible Christmas General Election through gritted teeth.

She said, “It’s around the time for my pap smear which feels apt somehow.

“Do you know what goes perfectly with high production value TV ads for department stores that idiots in the office will feel the need to discuss for a fucking week? Having that mendacious goblin Mark Francois on my doorstep covering my jumper with spittle.

“Or maybe listening to Diane Abbot whine about Jeremy’s love of buses on radio 4 while you’re trying not to self-harm because your husband’s sister has decreed that her brood has gone vegan and you now have to cook two Christmas dinners.

“That should make me go to the polling station with a Yuletide spring in my step. At night. In the cold.

“I wonder what will finally drive me to plough my car into the Christmas display at Braintree? The repetitive political mantras concocted by arseholes who think we’re all simpletons, or whatever song some sad wankers on Reddit have conspired to make the top of the Crimbo charts? Ho-fucketty-ho!”

Opposition politicians have claimed the real reason the government wants a December election is to play havoc with the student vote.

However, the Tory Party has vehemently denied this, stating they just enjoy making people miserable and put forward as proof their unmatched track record of being malevolent cunts.

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