President Trump has revealed that he killed Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi with his own bare hands during a raid on the IS leader’s compound.
Although initially there only to observe the raid, Mr Trump described how events dictated his heroic involvement.
“I was watching from by the helicopter,” he explained.
“Naturally, all I wanted to do was grab a weapon and join those brave special forces operatives on the raid, but my advisers said ‘No, you can’t go, you’re the most popular President America has ever had, and we can’t risk it’.”
But then the President noticed a marine had been injured and the evil IS monster was bearing down on him.
The president went on, “I could hear my advisors shouting but I just thought – ‘not on my watch’ – and ran over, I threw sand in al-Baghdadi’s face and he ran off crying, so I was able to pull that soldier to safety.
“Then, and I think this was an instinct thing that probably wouldn’t have occurred to other presidents like cowardly Obama, but I just grabbed the soldier’s gun and ran into the compound.”
The president chased down al-Baghdadi and confronted him in a back yard.
“He was crying and whimpering and I raised the gun but then thought – ‘no, a bullet’s too good for you’ – and with my bare hands I strangled him while all these explosions were going off around me.
“As I walked away from his lifeless body, his burning compound silhouetted my body and I just growled – ‘looks like I bagged al-Baghdadi’.”
He also added that it was actually him who killed Bin Laden, with a big gun.
He also collapsed Hitler’s bunker and kicked Thanos in the balls.