Friday 18 October 2019 by Lucas Wilde

Confused public now feeding ducks crisps, cheese-strings and crystal meth


Feeding the ducks all kinds of shit

The British public is throwing all sorts of shit to the ducks.

Following confusion over whether bread is fine for ducks, or it will kill them immediately, the public has gone through phases of grapes, seeds and sweetcorn, and now is getting a bit silly.

“As far as I understand, anything is fine as long as it’s not bread,” said Simon Williams, flinging a hot tray of potato waffles into the lake.

“You should’ve seen me last week. I lobbed a bag of coke in there. The ducks were loving it right up until their tiny hearts exploded.

“But it wasn’t bread, so I’ve done nothing wrong.”

RSPB spokesperson, Elizabeth King, said, “Can everyone please calm the fuck down?”

“A bit of bread is fine. But mix it up with seeds and grapes and stuff like that. No animal is designed to live off JUST bread but a BIT of bread is fine.

“A bag of coke is not. I can’t believe that distinction even needs making, to be honest.”

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