Arlene Foster has laid down a dramatic offer of support for Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal, but only on the condition that she is made a member of the Royal Family.
Foster leads the DUP, one of the political parties who govern Northern Ireland when they can be bothered, and their support is critical to Johnson’s Brexit deal being passed by Parliament.
“I have looked in detail at the deal,” explained Foster, after a busy day of not running her country.
“There are fundamental aspects of the deal that would take Northern Ireland out of alignment with the rest of the union, and being in alignment with the rest of the union is key for us, except for stuff like abortion and gay rights and stuff, which we’re fine about.”
However, Ms Foster revealed she was prepared to compromise.
“To avert the political crisis, I will support the deal provided I am made a member of the Royal Family.
“I mean, let’s be honest, I pretty much decide what the government can do anyway, so we’d just be formalising my position.”
She made it clear that she didn’t expect to be a monarch.
“No, I think the Queen does a wonderful job, so all I’d be looking for is perhaps to be a princess, you know, maybe third in line to the throne, something like that.
“Oh, and obviously, the usual couple of billion as a tax-payer funded bung to me and my friends.”
It is expected that Boris Johnson will capitulate to Foster’s demands because this is Brexit and nothing is too mad.