UK proposes time-travelling Irish border that makes customs checks in the past

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The UK has proposed a bold new initiative to solve the Northern Ireland problem that has bedevilled negotiators throughout the Brexit process.

It has suggested a time-travelling Irish border that would make all necessary customs checks in the past.

“It solves almost every problem connected with a border between Ireland and Northern Ireland,” explained Simon Williams, a member of the British negotiating team who definitely hasn’t been driven insane by the whole process.

“There would be no delays because all customs checks will have already happened due to the multi-temporal nature of the border.”

“Any problems with goods or documentation would simply be sent further into the past to be dealt with by a specialist team which, although it could take a considerably long time, would have no impact on the actual person crossing the border because regardless of how long the customs checks take, they will have already happened.”

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Mr Williams freely admits there would be complexities to iron out.

“Well yes, several years ago we will need to have employed a number of customs officials, which could come as a surprise to them but, as it will have already happened, they’ll probably be used to it by now.”

However, despite enthusiasm in Westminster, the EU have proved resistant to the plan due to the fact that, like many other British border suggestions, it contains technology that is entirely fictional.

Mr Williams was at a loss.

“Well, I suppose we could do customs checks in the future,” he suggested.

“But, that sounds a bit far-fetched to me.”