Wednesday 16 October 2019 by Arabin Patson

Office tosspot declares that some sandwiches are manlier than others


Man in office criticising sandwiches

A pleasant lunch break was once again ruined today when Dale Tinnock, a talking pustule and recruitment consultant from Colchester, decided to rank everybody’s lunch on an imaginary scale of virility where his choice of egg and ham held pride of place.

Co-worker Simone Williams was one of many who saw Mr Tinnock’s adolescent need to affirm that every one of his consumer choices was a symbol of his masculinity, as a setback after many weeks of progress towards making him a passably tolerable presence in the office.

She said, “It’s a shame really. I thought we were finally moving to a place where we could have a conversation with Dale without him trying to wedge in some tragic reference to him being all blokey.

“But today Piotr, who’s going vegan for a month, was telling us about how roast pepper and cauliflower pair up quite well and then Dale asked if it went well with a tampon.

“We tried to ignore him but he just went on about how real men eat tasteless sandwiches from the Victorian era and how only women eat tabbouleh. It’s just so sad. Karen from accounts befriended him and had nearly got him to understand that he doesn’t have to get peer validation for everything he does in his life.”

Ms Williams believes she could trace the cause of his setback to a pretty young temp covering a maternity leave.

“One look at her and he was back to giving everyone unsolicited nicknames and trying to mention how he did MMA and could have turned pro but he injured his knee.

“The prick has even started to wear novelty socks again.”

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