Government struggling to get support of those MPs it told to ‘get f*cked’ five weeks ago

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The government’s plans for a Brexit deal could be in trouble after the MPs it told to ‘get f*cked’ five weeks ago have shown reluctance to support the government’s position.

Although a deal has yet to be agreed, should one arrive it will still need the backing of parliament if we are to leave the EU on the 31st October.

However, support in parliament is not strong, particularly among the now independent MPs who were told by the government to ‘get f*cked’ as recently as last month.

Conservative HQ spokesperson Frobisher Waldon-Smythe told us, “At this point in proceedings, we’re into the real nitty-gritty of parliamentary arithmetic, and we need literally every MP we can get to support us.

“As such, we reached out to those MPs who were recently told to get f*cked by the party – an olive branch if you will – but they still seem a little wary of backing us.

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“We’ve told them they need to get over themselves, and that we can all be friends again, but that they need to do precisely as they are told – as happens in all healthy friendships.

“We’re pretty confident it will work. It’s certainly as good as any other plan we’re trying to implement right now.”

Backbench former Tory MP and now independent Simon Williams told us, “Yes, I received a voicemail from the whip’s office earlier asking if I would be so kind as to consider backing the government’s deal with the EU, if they should get one.

“I let him a voicemail back – it’s just three minutes of me loudly pissing myself.”