Thursday 10 October 2019 by Pete Redfern

Release of new £20 note to include pre-rolled version


news twenty-pound note

The Bank of England has today unveiled the design of the new twenty-pound note, which will come pre-rolled and ready for use by investment bankers and other city-based wankers.

Bank of England employee Simon Williams explained, “Along with a couple of new security features to prevent forgery, such as two see-through windows and a metallic hologram, the new notes have been designed to roll themselves up as they come out from cash machines, allowing the user to get straight down to snorting cocaine right there and then, if they’d like to.

“This means that they can take their thrice-daily dose of Colombian marching powder quickly and easily, chuck the twenty in the bin and get back to work in marketing, or stocks and shares or whatever it is they do.”

Whilst the news was positively received by city bankers and middle-class drug users this morning, the new design has faced some criticism by former Bullingdon Club members.

One such member, who wished to remain nameless but who looked a lot like Boris Johnson, ranted angrily “Preventing forgery is all very well, but the reduced paper content of these new notes is going to make them very hard to burn in front of homeless people.”

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