Thursday 10 October 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Coleen Rooney, PI to head up Donald Trump impeachment investigation


Coleen Rooney PI

US Democrats have reached out to leading private investigator Coleen Rooney to head up their impeachment enquiry into Donald Trump.

The enquiry was at risk of faltering after the White House’s refusal to cooperate. There was only one person who could save it – Coleen Rooney, PI.

“Raining. I pulled my trenchcoat together, lit a cigarette and ducked into a DC dive bar called ‘George W’s’,” explained Coleen Rooney, as she knocked back a slug of whiskey in her downbeat office by the docks.

“The dame – Pelosi – was waiting in a booth. They had this guy. A bad guy. Trump. Needed him nailed but legal, like. Could I help? Sure I could, if the money was right.

“I’d just sent the Vardy broad to Sing Sing. I was riding high. The money was good. I took the case.”

Ms Rooney detailed her initial thoughts on the investigation.

“I met this guy, this palooka, this Trump. He wasn’t hard to get to. There were some goons. They weren’t a problem.

“He was with his moll. Tried to grab my strange. I 86’d him. Dumb guy.”

She lit a cigarette, tipped back on her chair and smiled.

“He’ll be staring at bars by the weekend.”

Following the Trump case, it is expected that Rooney will discover the whereabouts of the Maltese Falcon and find out who killed Sternwood’s chauffeur.

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