Wednesday 9 October 2019 by Pete Redfern

Sales of the Daily Mail predicted to soar following warnings that Britain could run out of loo roll


Daily Mail to wipe arses post-brexit

Experts have predicted that tabloids such as the Daily Mail and The Sun could see a marked increase in sales in the event of a no-deal Brexit, after a loo roll manufacturer warned that such a scenario could see the country run out of toilet paper.

Essity, which manufactures Velvet and Cushelle, said it was developing “robust contingency plans” across its supply chain to cope with no deal, but warned that stocks were “not unlimited”, prompting concern among many across the land as to how exactly they are to wipe their backsides from October 31st.

Loo roll expert Christopher James, currently sat on the family throne coiling out a steaming turd that could easily be a Daily Mail editorial piece, told us over the phone, “I would like to reassure the public that we as a country running out of bog-roll shouldn’t be a cause for concern.

“Yes, in an ideal world we’d all be gliding a lovely piece of three-ply Shea Butter toilet paper over our arseholes every day, but if we have a no-deal Brexit then these might not be available.

“However, The Sun and the Daily Mail both sell around a million copies every day, which means that even if everyone in the country develops spontaneous diarrhoea at the same time, we should be well prepared to adequately clear ourselves up.”

Daily Mail reader Simon Williams, who voted leave because his daily tabloid told him that all the brown people were the reason his life was a disaster, denied that we would be running out of toilet paper. “Project fear!”, he spat out in derision.

“If we have a no-deal then magical pieces of super soft golden toilet paper will flutter like confetti from the sky. I’m an expert at international business, manufacturing and trade, AND wiping my arse, so I should know!”

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